I always knew that I wanted to have kids.
stay at home.
bake cookies.
go on play dates.
what I didn't realize was the fear that it would bring.
I have issues with change.
I have issues with controlling things.
the two don't mix well.
when we found out that we were pregnant, I was terrified.
not your normal ecstatic mom-to-be.
just fear.
I could feel the knot in my stomach start to grow with each midwife appointment.
each time someone asked when I was due.
each time I even thought about becoming a mom.
I couldn't even let myself enjoy being pregnant because I was too consumed with how much was changing around me.
how much I wasn't controlling.
a few weeks before I gave birth I finally felt a little excitement.
hope that I could do this mom thing, and maybe be good it.
I was in full on nesting mode and seeing all the little clothes and having gone to parenting classes...
I felt ready.
then my due date arrived.
and passed.
and passed.
and passed.
a week over due and my panic started in again.
this is not how it was suppose to go.
you have a due date for a reason.
right?!
finally a week and a day over due, and it was time.
we welcomed our sweet boy into this world.
everything was going great.
and then his blood sugars were low.
they needed to come up before we could go home.
every 2 hours he needed to be pricked in his tiny heel to see what his count was.
it was the worst feeling ever to sit there and watch as they inflicted pain onto my tiny newborn.
I know that some parents have it way worse.
they endure more pain than a tiny pricked heel.
but I couldn't see that, not then.
when we could finally come home, I felt the knot again.
the hitch in my throat.
the panic setting in.
the terror overwhelming me.
but I prayed.
hard.
I need help. and guidance.
I needed to be a mom to this little one.
I couldn't do that if I was afraid to get off the couch.
I know new mom's go through this.
but here is the thing.
I'm not in control.
I never have been.
Once I realized this, my life got so much more simple.
So many more blessings started happening.
Prayers being answered.
just let go.
be brave.
bake cookies.
go on play dates.
what I didn't realize was the fear that it would bring.
I have issues with change.
I have issues with controlling things.
the two don't mix well.
when we found out that we were pregnant, I was terrified.
not your normal ecstatic mom-to-be.
just fear.
I could feel the knot in my stomach start to grow with each midwife appointment.
each time someone asked when I was due.
each time I even thought about becoming a mom.
I couldn't even let myself enjoy being pregnant because I was too consumed with how much was changing around me.
how much I wasn't controlling.
a few weeks before I gave birth I finally felt a little excitement.
hope that I could do this mom thing, and maybe be good it.
I was in full on nesting mode and seeing all the little clothes and having gone to parenting classes...
I felt ready.
then my due date arrived.
and passed.
and passed.
and passed.
a week over due and my panic started in again.
this is not how it was suppose to go.
you have a due date for a reason.
right?!
finally a week and a day over due, and it was time.
we welcomed our sweet boy into this world.
everything was going great.
and then his blood sugars were low.
they needed to come up before we could go home.
every 2 hours he needed to be pricked in his tiny heel to see what his count was.
it was the worst feeling ever to sit there and watch as they inflicted pain onto my tiny newborn.
I know that some parents have it way worse.
they endure more pain than a tiny pricked heel.
but I couldn't see that, not then.
when we could finally come home, I felt the knot again.
the hitch in my throat.
the panic setting in.
the terror overwhelming me.
but I prayed.
hard.
I need help. and guidance.
I needed to be a mom to this little one.
I couldn't do that if I was afraid to get off the couch.
I know new mom's go through this.
but here is the thing.
I'm not in control.
I never have been.
Once I realized this, my life got so much more simple.
So many more blessings started happening.
Prayers being answered.
just let go.
be brave.
For the record......YOU ARE AN AMAZING MOM! I am so proud of you. Your love and dedication to Quade is just as God intended it to be. Love you to pieces :o)
ReplyDelete~Mom
Kelli...You are a great Mom and Quade loves you!! You can see it in his little face every time he looks at you! :) I'm so glad you are a stay-at-home Momma for him...he will thank you when he's old enough to realize all that you are and do for him and for the Lord. I love you!
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